by Heather Zempe, Pastor of Discipleship at National Community Church
My husband and I purchased a house recently, and it got me thinking: Do you ever wish you could just put your small group on the market and let some new leader deal with the problems? If you've never felt this way, then you probably haven't been leading for very long. And if you're thinking to yourself, Problems? What problems?, then strap yourself in, because this could be a bumpy ride.
If you lead a small group, you will encounter problems. There's no way around it. When you deal with people, it gets messy. These problems can range from the fairly benign (people won't talk in my group) to the very serious (someone has threatened suicide). That isn't to scare you; it's to equip you.
When faced with a problem, it's important to identify the type and severity of the problem, and then determine the next course of action. That's the purpose of this article.
Level 1 Problems
Level 1 Problems are the ones that will be encountered in every small group at some point. Examples include the following:
• People will not engage in discussion
• People shy away from praying out loud
• Someone repeatedly skips down rabbit trails and takes the whole group on the journey
• Prayer requests are shallow
• EGRs (Extra Grace Requireds). These people tend to be a bit more needy—they need more prayer, need more encouragement, and need more of you.
These are typical small-group issues, and you will face them at some point if you haven't already. Here are some steps for addressing these types of small-group problems:
• Pray. Don't use prayer as a last resort; stay on offense with prayer.
• Address the issue first with the person individually. Be natural and seek to understand from their perspective. Make "observations" instead of accusations. For instance, "I've noticed that you don't comment much in the discussion. Is there something we can do to make it easier for you to engage the topic?"
• Be creative. This is especially helpful for the person skipping down rabbit trails. Come up with a time limit, a hand signal, or some other means to help them stay on track. You can actually make this fun and not burdensome.
• Be patient. None of these problems will kill your group, and taking the time to allow them to be solved naturally will create a culture where community can emerge.
Level 2 Problems
Level 2 Problems will also occur in your group if you stay together long enough and allow community to emerge. Here are some examples:
• Someone in the group monopolizes the conversation or takes on an authoritative or self-righteous tone
• Someone in the group constantly causes division or makes divisive comments
• "Discussions" (read: fights, arguments, conflict) erupt in your group
• Conversations and relationships remain shallow and surface-level. Your group becomes a pseudo-community, in other words.
• Gossip runs rampant
• You have chronic complainers, or negative talk and attitudes emerge
• Someone in your group needs to be confronted about a sin
These problems require a little more skill and a bit of confidence. Here are some ideas:
• Pray. Again, get out of the defensive posture and attack from an offensive position.
• Don't ignore the issue. You know there's a problem, and it's likely that everyone else in the group knows there's a problem. Ignoring problems never makes them go away.
• If the problem lies primarily with one individual, approach that person first.
Again, make observations instead of accusations. Seek to understand them. Pray with them when you talk them.
Get help when needed. If the individual is unresponsive or unrepentant, implement the biblical method for conflict resolution found in Matthew 18:15-20. Get a co-leader, coach, or pastor involved in the process.
• If something happens in your group, process it as a group. Don't ignore that the tensions exist or that the community is staying at a surface level. Address the topics within the group setting.
• Protect the group. If a problem persists, it may be necessary to ask a person to leave the group.
Level 3 Problems
Some unfortunate leaders encounter Level 3 problems during their first week of leadership. Others lead for years before encountering one. These are problems that you are not equipped or expected to handle on your own—they are outside the scope of small-group leader responsibilities. Examples include the following:
• Drug and alcohol abuse
• Repeated offensive activity in the group
• Inappropriate relational and/or sexual behavior between group members
• Repeated divisiveness
• Suicidal tendencies and/or threats
• Eating disorders
• Divorce
• Mental and emotional instability
Here are the action steps:
• Prayer. Pray for the situation, but also be sure to get others (fellow group leaders, accountability partners, pastors, etc.) to pray for you.
• Notify your coach and/or pastor immediately. Be sensitive about who you tell. If it's a big problem, you may need to send it all the way up the chain to a member of the pastoral team immediately.
• Be honest. If the person thinks they have told you something in confidence, inform them that you are obligated, as a person in leadership within your church, to let a member of the pastoral team know about the issue.
• Follow up. Your coach or pastor will work with you to develop an appropriate plan of action and care.
If you're a small-group leader, don't submit your letters of resignation yet! Working with people is tough because people are broken. That means that our small groups will break every now and then, and the most important thing is to know how to fix that break. Always lean on your coaches and pastors to help you navigate these issues.
I will end with a quote from community guru John Ortberg: "People who love authentic community always prefer the pain of temporary chaos to the peace of permanent superficiality." Good stuff.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Tools for Good Conversations
Good Questions Create a Conversation
And they create those conversations without putting anyone in the spot. You don't want our small group members to feel like they are in school, taking a test. You also don't want a scenario where you are the learned teacher asking all the questions, and the group members are under pressure to know the answers you expect from them. That is not a healthy learning situation.
In contrast, some of the best discussion questions solicit input from everyone present. The best example of this is to ask people what they think. There is no wrong answer to the question, "What do you think?" In a Bible study for example: "What do you think Jesus means when He says, 'Sell your possessions?' Was He talking to you and me? What's your opinion?"
Of course, as a leader, you will sometimes know what the Bible actually teaches about a subject—you're not supposed to be void of knowledge or opinions. But you want to gently steer the group toward the answer Jesus gives. Allowing people to discuss questions and process the answers themselves improves their rate of retention. It's also a good idea to remember that your knowledge or opinion may not represent the full scope of a passage or verse.
And they create those conversations without putting anyone in the spot. You don't want our small group members to feel like they are in school, taking a test. You also don't want a scenario where you are the learned teacher asking all the questions, and the group members are under pressure to know the answers you expect from them. That is not a healthy learning situation.
In contrast, some of the best discussion questions solicit input from everyone present. The best example of this is to ask people what they think. There is no wrong answer to the question, "What do you think?" In a Bible study for example: "What do you think Jesus means when He says, 'Sell your possessions?' Was He talking to you and me? What's your opinion?"
Of course, as a leader, you will sometimes know what the Bible actually teaches about a subject—you're not supposed to be void of knowledge or opinions. But you want to gently steer the group toward the answer Jesus gives. Allowing people to discuss questions and process the answers themselves improves their rate of retention. It's also a good idea to remember that your knowledge or opinion may not represent the full scope of a passage or verse.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Taking down Christmas
by John Fischer
This is always a difficult part of the holiday ritual: taking everything down and packing Christmas away for another year. It seems like every year, the house never looked better, or the tree was never so perfect, and it all becomes so empty when it's gone. Like the guy on a "car-talk" radio program I heard recently who explained the hole in his dashboard left by someone who "borrowed his car stereo without asking" as "nothing but torn wires and sadness." I thought it was such an apt description that I jotted it down, and now I'm feeling a little like my house is all about torn wires and sadness.
There is a depression that sets in after major events in our lives. We struggle with getting back to normal. What can help us move on?
First, we can remember that we take the risen Christ of Christmas with us into the New Year. On Christmas, we focus so much on a baby in a manger that we sometimes forget the baby grew into a man who conquered death once and for all and now sits at the right hand of God the Father where He intercedes for us constantly. That means you and I have continuous representation at the highest level. All these decorations celebrated His birth, but walking into whatever our lives hold for us on January 6, 2009 is a celebration of resurrection and of power. We will never walk alone.
Second, I suggest you do like we do: leave something up -- some little reminder of the season. Maybe an ornament on a mantle, or the wreath on the door. In areas of New England and especially Pennsylvania, many homeowners leave a single light in their windows throughout the winter. I always wondered why they did that, and now I may have come up with at least my own reason.
The light Christ has brought into our lives has forever dispelled the darkness. Nothing will ever be the same. Maybe it would be good to leave a little light on around the house that wasn't there before, just to remember what remains from Christmas. The whole point of His birth into our torn world was to show the lengths He would go to in order to get to us. And now He is here. That is the point.
We might take down Christmas, but Christ remains in our lives, and no one can ever take Him away!
For God, who said, "Let there be light in the darkness," has made His light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:6)
by John Fischer
This is always a difficult part of the holiday ritual: taking everything down and packing Christmas away for another year. It seems like every year, the house never looked better, or the tree was never so perfect, and it all becomes so empty when it's gone. Like the guy on a "car-talk" radio program I heard recently who explained the hole in his dashboard left by someone who "borrowed his car stereo without asking" as "nothing but torn wires and sadness." I thought it was such an apt description that I jotted it down, and now I'm feeling a little like my house is all about torn wires and sadness.
There is a depression that sets in after major events in our lives. We struggle with getting back to normal. What can help us move on?
First, we can remember that we take the risen Christ of Christmas with us into the New Year. On Christmas, we focus so much on a baby in a manger that we sometimes forget the baby grew into a man who conquered death once and for all and now sits at the right hand of God the Father where He intercedes for us constantly. That means you and I have continuous representation at the highest level. All these decorations celebrated His birth, but walking into whatever our lives hold for us on January 6, 2009 is a celebration of resurrection and of power. We will never walk alone.
Second, I suggest you do like we do: leave something up -- some little reminder of the season. Maybe an ornament on a mantle, or the wreath on the door. In areas of New England and especially Pennsylvania, many homeowners leave a single light in their windows throughout the winter. I always wondered why they did that, and now I may have come up with at least my own reason.
The light Christ has brought into our lives has forever dispelled the darkness. Nothing will ever be the same. Maybe it would be good to leave a little light on around the house that wasn't there before, just to remember what remains from Christmas. The whole point of His birth into our torn world was to show the lengths He would go to in order to get to us. And now He is here. That is the point.
We might take down Christmas, but Christ remains in our lives, and no one can ever take Him away!
For God, who said, "Let there be light in the darkness," has made His light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:6)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
A Worldview of Thankfulness
by John Fischer
The worst moment for an atheist comes when he is really thankful and has no one to thank.
-- (Author unknown)
Thanksgiving is not just one day a year, it is the theme song of the Christian. For a Christian not to be thankful is like a dog not wagging his tail at his owner's approach.
Thankful Christians walk around grateful for every breath, every sunset, every new morning, every color in the color spectrum, and every star in the sky. Like an alcoholic who is clean and sober, noticing beauty and taste for the first time, we are grateful just to be alive because we have been dead for so long.
It's hard to think of one vice that the virtue of thankfulness cannot render useless. One does not need to steal when one is thankful. A man does not covet his neighbor's wife when he is thankful for his own. No one craves more when he is grateful for what he has.
In the same way, a thankful heart cancels out pride and arrogance. No need to judge other people when you are thankful for who you are. No need to measure yourself by and compare yourself to others when you are thankful for what God has done in your life. No need to keep anyone out of the kingdom of God when you know you don't deserve to get in. (God can let in anyone He wants. I am simply glad to be counted among the saved.)
You don't care if you get the important seat at the table when you are overcome with gratitude at simply being invited to the dinner. You don't put heavy weights on other people's shoulders when you are thankful that God has lightened your own load. You are not obsessed with what other people think of you when you are overwhelmed with the fact that God is thinking about you all the time. You don't demand respect when you are thankful for your place. You don't have to hide your own sin when you are already thankful for God's forgiveness. You don't have to protect your image when you are already number one with God. You don't have to condemn other people's blindness when it's only the grace of God that has allowed you to see. You don't have to try for the highest place when you are already grateful for whatever place you were given. You don't have to make a show of spirituality when you are thankful for having received the Spirit. You don't have to clothe yourself in holy robes when you have been already clothed in righteousness. (Or as a friend of mine used to say, "Why be cute when you're already beautiful?") You don't have to be full of yourself when you are thankful that God has filled you up with Himself.
Not only do we have a lot to be thankful for, our thankfulness can accomplish much.
The worst moment for an atheist comes when he is really thankful and has no one to thank.
-- (Author unknown)
Thanksgiving is not just one day a year, it is the theme song of the Christian. For a Christian not to be thankful is like a dog not wagging his tail at his owner's approach.
Thankful Christians walk around grateful for every breath, every sunset, every new morning, every color in the color spectrum, and every star in the sky. Like an alcoholic who is clean and sober, noticing beauty and taste for the first time, we are grateful just to be alive because we have been dead for so long.
It's hard to think of one vice that the virtue of thankfulness cannot render useless. One does not need to steal when one is thankful. A man does not covet his neighbor's wife when he is thankful for his own. No one craves more when he is grateful for what he has.
In the same way, a thankful heart cancels out pride and arrogance. No need to judge other people when you are thankful for who you are. No need to measure yourself by and compare yourself to others when you are thankful for what God has done in your life. No need to keep anyone out of the kingdom of God when you know you don't deserve to get in. (God can let in anyone He wants. I am simply glad to be counted among the saved.)
You don't care if you get the important seat at the table when you are overcome with gratitude at simply being invited to the dinner. You don't put heavy weights on other people's shoulders when you are thankful that God has lightened your own load. You are not obsessed with what other people think of you when you are overwhelmed with the fact that God is thinking about you all the time. You don't demand respect when you are thankful for your place. You don't have to hide your own sin when you are already thankful for God's forgiveness. You don't have to protect your image when you are already number one with God. You don't have to condemn other people's blindness when it's only the grace of God that has allowed you to see. You don't have to try for the highest place when you are already grateful for whatever place you were given. You don't have to make a show of spirituality when you are thankful for having received the Spirit. You don't have to clothe yourself in holy robes when you have been already clothed in righteousness. (Or as a friend of mine used to say, "Why be cute when you're already beautiful?") You don't have to be full of yourself when you are thankful that God has filled you up with Himself.
Not only do we have a lot to be thankful for, our thankfulness can accomplish much.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
How to Start Over After Failure - Proverbs 28:13
How To Start Over After Failure
by Rick Warren
A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance. Proverbs 28:13 (LB)
*** *** *** ***
Here are four steps to take when starting over after a failure:
1. Accept responsibility for your own failure. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it.
Welcome to the human race! Don’t blame others. To blame others is to “be lame.” Losers love to blame bad luck, the economy, the boss, their spouse, or even God for failure. But winners never accuse others and never excuse themselves when they fail.
In 1974, after an 88-game winning streak, the UCLA basketball team lost to Notre Dame in a game where they’d led by 11 points. The next day’s headline read: “Coach Wooden says, ‘Blame me!’” Wooden was a winner.
“A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance” (Proverbs 28:13 LB).
2. Recognize the benefits of failure.
Failure teaches you what doesn’t work. Thomas Edison, the great inventor, said, “Don’t call it a failure. Call it an education!” Failure forces you to be more creative as you look for new ways to accomplish something. It prevents arrogance and egotism. If everything you did was a stunning success, no one could live with you!
Failure also causes you to reevaluate what’s important in life. It’s one way God gets you to reflect on the direction of your life. “Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways” (Proverbs 20:30 GNT).
3. Ask God for wisdom to understand what caused your failure. Why did you fail? Is there any reason you might have set yourself up to fail? There are many unconscious reasons we sometimes sabotage our own efforts:
• Fear of success – Success may mean handling more responsibility than you want to carry.
• Guilt – If you feel you don’t deserve to succeed, you may set yourself up to fail.
• Resentment – Some people fail as a way of getting even with those who are pressuring them to succeed.
• Ask God what caused it – “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all ...” (James 1:5 NIV).
4. Forget the past and focus on the future. Your past is past!
It’s water under the bridge. You can’t change it so you may as well stop worrying about it. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on ...” (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV).
by Rick Warren
A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance. Proverbs 28:13 (LB)
*** *** *** ***
Here are four steps to take when starting over after a failure:
1. Accept responsibility for your own failure. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it.
Welcome to the human race! Don’t blame others. To blame others is to “be lame.” Losers love to blame bad luck, the economy, the boss, their spouse, or even God for failure. But winners never accuse others and never excuse themselves when they fail.
In 1974, after an 88-game winning streak, the UCLA basketball team lost to Notre Dame in a game where they’d led by 11 points. The next day’s headline read: “Coach Wooden says, ‘Blame me!’” Wooden was a winner.
“A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance” (Proverbs 28:13 LB).
2. Recognize the benefits of failure.
Failure teaches you what doesn’t work. Thomas Edison, the great inventor, said, “Don’t call it a failure. Call it an education!” Failure forces you to be more creative as you look for new ways to accomplish something. It prevents arrogance and egotism. If everything you did was a stunning success, no one could live with you!
Failure also causes you to reevaluate what’s important in life. It’s one way God gets you to reflect on the direction of your life. “Sometimes it takes a painful experience to make us change our ways” (Proverbs 20:30 GNT).
3. Ask God for wisdom to understand what caused your failure. Why did you fail? Is there any reason you might have set yourself up to fail? There are many unconscious reasons we sometimes sabotage our own efforts:
• Fear of success – Success may mean handling more responsibility than you want to carry.
• Guilt – If you feel you don’t deserve to succeed, you may set yourself up to fail.
• Resentment – Some people fail as a way of getting even with those who are pressuring them to succeed.
• Ask God what caused it – “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all ...” (James 1:5 NIV).
4. Forget the past and focus on the future. Your past is past!
It’s water under the bridge. You can’t change it so you may as well stop worrying about it. “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on ...” (Philippians 3:13-14 NIV).
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Anger:Re-pattern Your Mind
by Rick Warren
"Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind" (Romans 12:2 TEV).
The way we act is determined by the way we feel. The way we feel is determined by the way we think. If we want to change the way we act, we've got to change the way we think. If we want to change a habitual pattern of improper anger management—pouting, blowing up, criticizing, etc.—then we need to have some mental reconditioning.
Gary Smalley suggests you begin asking yourself questions like, "Do I enjoy getting angry?" "Does it produce the intended results when I get angry?" "Could I get the same results in a more effective way?" "How would I be different?" Smalley suggests you write it down and read it aloud to yourself once a week for six months, that's 26 times.
Take the time to read it in the presence of another person. That may seem like a lot of work, but how serious are you about changing this habit in your life? How serious are you about getting control of your anger?I'd suggest using Bible verses in your letter, so that as God's Word fills your thoughts, you're transformed by the renewing of your mind. It's going to change you.
The truth is, angry people are insecure people. The more insecure I am, the more things tick me off. The more insecure I am, the more upset I get and the more irritable I am. But here's the thing: when you understand how much God loves you and you understand your security in Christ, when you understand how much you matter to God, then you are less likely to be irritable.
Homework: Read Ephesians 1 and Romans 8. They are anti-anger biblical passages because they teach us how deeply God loves us, and that we are secure in him.
"Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind" (Romans 12:2 TEV).
The way we act is determined by the way we feel. The way we feel is determined by the way we think. If we want to change the way we act, we've got to change the way we think. If we want to change a habitual pattern of improper anger management—pouting, blowing up, criticizing, etc.—then we need to have some mental reconditioning.
Gary Smalley suggests you begin asking yourself questions like, "Do I enjoy getting angry?" "Does it produce the intended results when I get angry?" "Could I get the same results in a more effective way?" "How would I be different?" Smalley suggests you write it down and read it aloud to yourself once a week for six months, that's 26 times.
Take the time to read it in the presence of another person. That may seem like a lot of work, but how serious are you about changing this habit in your life? How serious are you about getting control of your anger?I'd suggest using Bible verses in your letter, so that as God's Word fills your thoughts, you're transformed by the renewing of your mind. It's going to change you.
The truth is, angry people are insecure people. The more insecure I am, the more things tick me off. The more insecure I am, the more upset I get and the more irritable I am. But here's the thing: when you understand how much God loves you and you understand your security in Christ, when you understand how much you matter to God, then you are less likely to be irritable.
Homework: Read Ephesians 1 and Romans 8. They are anti-anger biblical passages because they teach us how deeply God loves us, and that we are secure in him.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Growing Younger - We Need Each Other
by John Fischer
Ah, but I was so much older
then I'm younger than that now - Bob Dylan
We often think of spiritual growth as getting spiritually bigger and stronger. That would make sense since it’s the meaning of the word. We even have a term we use for those who have walked with God a long time: we call them “spiritual giants.” Yet I’m not sure they, or God, would support the metaphor.
On a couple of occasions when the disciples of Jesus volunteered to shoo the children away, Jesus rebuked them and made a point of His preference for children, going as far as to say that the rest of us need to become like them if we have any desire of finding a heaven in our future.
I wonder what part of being like children he meant. Obviously he didn’t mean we were to be like children in everything, because children are naïve and foolish sometimes. Children are immature and God is pointing us all to maturity in Christ. But in some things spiritual, children have the upper hand.
The most obvious is their simple and total faith and trust in their parents, which becomes an example for us of how to trust our heavenly Father. Secondly, and not quite as obvious, is the wonder of a child. A small child is on a road of discovery and every new thing is full of delight. It does not take much to please young children because their imaginations are so active and their experiences are so new and fresh.
Something else I’ve observed afresh with our nine-year-old Chandler is the ease by which children make friends. We can be at a local park or at the beach and I watch him immediately jump in with whoever is there—no introductions necessary—as if they were long lost buddies.
And it's also always a contrast with parents around, how careful and suspicious we are of each other as we play out a little charade to determine whether or not we will introduce ourselves and bother getting into adult conversation while our children play. Our children have no problem with what can be a difficult barrier for us, and the contrast makes our isolation even more apparent.
Take it from the kids: we need each other. We are all longing for contact; we are just afraid.
Our mission in life revolves around relationships. Learn from the children. They are judgment-free, suspicion-free, un-self-conscious playmates, sharing in what they have in common, and jumping into the "now-ness" of being together. I don't know about you, but I could sure stand to be a lot more like that.
Ah, but I was so much older
then I'm younger than that now - Bob Dylan
We often think of spiritual growth as getting spiritually bigger and stronger. That would make sense since it’s the meaning of the word. We even have a term we use for those who have walked with God a long time: we call them “spiritual giants.” Yet I’m not sure they, or God, would support the metaphor.
On a couple of occasions when the disciples of Jesus volunteered to shoo the children away, Jesus rebuked them and made a point of His preference for children, going as far as to say that the rest of us need to become like them if we have any desire of finding a heaven in our future.
I wonder what part of being like children he meant. Obviously he didn’t mean we were to be like children in everything, because children are naïve and foolish sometimes. Children are immature and God is pointing us all to maturity in Christ. But in some things spiritual, children have the upper hand.
The most obvious is their simple and total faith and trust in their parents, which becomes an example for us of how to trust our heavenly Father. Secondly, and not quite as obvious, is the wonder of a child. A small child is on a road of discovery and every new thing is full of delight. It does not take much to please young children because their imaginations are so active and their experiences are so new and fresh.
Something else I’ve observed afresh with our nine-year-old Chandler is the ease by which children make friends. We can be at a local park or at the beach and I watch him immediately jump in with whoever is there—no introductions necessary—as if they were long lost buddies.
And it's also always a contrast with parents around, how careful and suspicious we are of each other as we play out a little charade to determine whether or not we will introduce ourselves and bother getting into adult conversation while our children play. Our children have no problem with what can be a difficult barrier for us, and the contrast makes our isolation even more apparent.
Take it from the kids: we need each other. We are all longing for contact; we are just afraid.
Our mission in life revolves around relationships. Learn from the children. They are judgment-free, suspicion-free, un-self-conscious playmates, sharing in what they have in common, and jumping into the "now-ness" of being together. I don't know about you, but I could sure stand to be a lot more like that.
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